Grrr

I am having a run of crappy luck. I had a long talk with my Mum this morning. She always gives good advice- even when I don't want to hear it. I've fallen for a person who has absolutely no feelings for me. As much as I try to put the feelings away I can't- how can you turn your emotions off like a tap? I have major self confidence issues and pretty much zero self esteem. I am 31 years old and I hate myself. I am single and not that I want a partner/husband- I would like to date. But as a 31 year old "fat chick"= I'm hardly disgusting- nobody wants to touch me. We all have our own tastes and preferences- I get that. I honestly feel like I am in high school again- as a student not as a teacher.
SO my mother told me to put this asshole in my past= that he has no place in my future. She's right- I've been down this path before and I don't need to repeat it. I need to just walk away from it. It sounds easy enough but it is the hardest thing I will have done at this point in my life. She said I had a choice- give up on him or give up on myself. So I chose him- give up on him not me.

Home

So I've had some time to think. I have a months vacation in January and I am going home. For good. No more Korea. I'm done. I'm done running. I'm done avoiding reality. I'm done trying to be nice to assholes.

I am so homesick. I need to get home and pronto! I need some beach time. I need some of my Mama's cooking. And SOON

GRRRRRR part 2

I am so tired. Beyond frustrated. I had a nice day today though- met up with a friend and went for lunch and to a traditional performance. It was incredibly amazing. I am still in awe of it all.

My funky mood of the last few months is starting to lift. I feel better but not 100%. I am trying really hard to keep a positive mindset. It's hard at times but I'm trying. I realize now that I have loved a person who does not, will not and cannot EVER feel the same way I do. That hurts me the most right now. I hate that I let my feelings run so freely. I need to be a stone- a cold-hearted bitch. I am honestly giving up on people. All people. It is the only way to save my heart , mind and soul at this point. I am ready to throw the towel in. Am I really that horrible of a person? Am I that hideous? That unlovable? I didn't think that I was that unattractive or horrible but this person has driven that point home for me. And I hear it loud and clear!

bahhhh

I am having one of those days. I'm frustrated. So I joined a gym and went for a 2KM run. I feel a bit better. I am glad I joined the gym. I missed it. And the big plus is that it is super close to my house- honestly maybe a 4 minute walk. I like it. I start teaching on monday and I am a bit nervous. I just want to get my first day done....